so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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