"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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