When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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