Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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