I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
