I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
