Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
They should really pass out barf bags in church
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
