He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
