someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
