According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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