When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the day after is always just damage control
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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