New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
