I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
