Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
