Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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