I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
