Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You're like the curious george of whores
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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