Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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