Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
