i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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