yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
