i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
