I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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