You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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