Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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