I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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