What did we do last night that was yellow?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Come on in and take your pants off
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