can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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