i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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