One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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