Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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