Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
two words...techno handjob
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
