do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
