my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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