Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
