So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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