apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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