Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
