i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
