he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
