I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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