There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
