Your dad touched me again.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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