I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
