You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
