My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
