You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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