you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
