everyone is single if you try hard enough
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
