you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
