I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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