Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
